Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Top Ten Reasons Why Dog Teens Dogs are Better Than Human Teens

What adults see...

10.  Dogs grow up faster - learning the ropes and falling into line takes far less time for dogs than the learning curve we have for humans.  You'd think with those enormous brains, the human teen rate of learning should far exceed that of the family dog.  If you don't believe me, teach your dog to put away his toys.  Then tell your teenager to clean his room.  See who follows through faster, and with better reliability.

9.  Chew toys - I can order elk antler chews for all three dogs for under $30.  Teens want video games, iPads (not gonna happen), make-up, new clothes, iTunes cards, etc.  I can feel the cash being sucked from my wallet even now.  I remember the toddling days when the cardboard box holding the toy was far more fun than the actual toy could ever be.

**crickets chirping**

8. Quiet - Teen dogs don't chatter.  Never have, never will.  Oh, the quiet hours spent enjoying my dogs - puppies, teens, adults or seniors - all of which have been chatter-free!  Not a full minute can be spent with a teen without hearing blah, blah, blah about some kid at school, or some new incident.  And let's not forget about those one-sided phone conversations we're lucky enough to experience from the other room.  Squeals of disbelief and statements peppered with "like", "oh my God",  "I know", and "that's disgusting!"...

7. No lies - If a dog poops on the carpet, he doesn't pretend it didn't happen.  If he eats a full bag of pita bread, he'll bring you the empty, half-chewed bag.  If a teen does something wrong, he'll tell you it wasn't him, or the teacher didn't require that assignment to be turned in, or even that someone stole his binder at school.  The best one yet - that she didn't cut her own bangs, while they've clearly been butchered right down the middle.  She actually said someone must've cut them while she was sleeping!

6. Responsibility - If my dogs never earn the right to be left unattended at home, or to run off leash, it's really OK.  There's always the crate and the leash.  If my teen can't be trusted to stay home alone and not get into mischief, I can't watch her forever.  And when she's old enough to go into the world on her own, I can't leash her.  The leash is just too short...

5. Back talk - Dogs don't back talk.  They don't have attitudes.  They don't pout.  They don't slam doors.  Now God forbid my teen back talks or slams doors, but there's no shortage of attitudes or pouting around here.  Yuk.  If the dogs are unhappy, they just find something new to do, or take a nap.  I've never received a haiku about how unfair something is from my dog.  I can't say the same for my teen.  See reason #2.

So full of woe!

4. Behavioral consequences - When a teen dog misbehaves, you have a few options.  You can crate her, you can redirect her away from something undesirable, you can distract her with training.  I've never once been able to redirect my teenager away from being passive aggressive with a shiny new squeaker toy, or stopped her from leaving dirty laundry on the floor with a few pieces of salmon jerky and a "sit, stay".  And she just won't shut up when I put her in the crate...

3. No break-ups - Dogs don't date.  Sometimes they pine, sometimes they hump, but they simply don't date.  There's nothing sweeter than a dog following after the object of his affection, just trying to play bow his way into her heart.  The same cannot be said for human teens.  Seeing boys' names enshrined in red hearts drawn all over binders and notebooks just makes me nauseous.  And the long phone chats analyzing something "he" said meant, drives me to drink.  If you don't go anywhere, are you really "going out"?!

Double shot, please...

2. No drama - For anyone who's ever lived with a teenage girl, there's no creature more dramatic or theatrical. A dog in her teens doesn't know the meaning of drama (except of course if you have a Sibe and are trying to trim her nails or give her a bath) but human teens live and breath by the beat of soap opera music.  They ride each emotional wave like surfers on crack, crashing hard on the rocks of each jagged emotion.  (Thought I'd give you a little taste of the daily drama with that last line...pretty awful, I know.)

1Spaying and Neutering - enough said.

Poor Arwen - even teen dogs can be annoying!


  1. Yes Indeed, this is really true, I love the last pictures they look cute on that pictures :D

    Dog Shock Collar | Puppy & Human Bond

  2. Well after having both we would say our teen dogs are a piece of cake - easy!!!

    Nina, Myshka, Sasha, Betsy, Lucy, Phoebe and Lily

  3. You speak an universal truth! And teen boys are no better, just different angst!

  4. and that is why I only have dogs! :)

  5. I have a running list of why dogs are better than kids in my head. I think you can make this list from infancy to adulthood!

  6. LOL!!! Hilarious post - this ought to be in a magazine! :D

  7. Ah hahaha!! Mommy says she TOTALLY gets this! As for me, no clue what it means. Heh. ;)

    Woofs & hugs, <3

    ~Bailey (Yep, I'm a girl!)

  8. Love it! This should be featured on David Letterman's Top Ten List!

  9. What a great - and oh so true - list! Makes me really appreciated my four legged happy "children"!!! :-)

  10. This is hilarious! thank you! I just had to laugh at the 'no drama' portion :) You have a great sense of humor! The photo with Arwen being seated on is also very funny! Thank you!


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